London, November 25th 2018 – by Damien C., special correspondent
All the analysts fearing “maximum Brexit” should revise their expectations and concerns. Indeed, according to an email thread leaked yesterday, the true plans in the minds of the so-called “Three Brexiteers” (Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Michael Gove) are… a bit more ambitious than that.
This email thread involves Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, among others, and spans a period of two years up to and including last week. It contains reports that a “secret research laboratory” in Dorset has finished preparing all the required technology and that all that is missing is the order to go ahead.
According to the email, the original plan for Brexit was to cover the UK in sealed bubbles, fit huge rockets underneath all of the UK and uproot the entire country to send it into space.
The plan as described in the email is extremely detailed and specific. High-power chemical rockets would first lift the entire UK into Earth orbit. Then, blast energy from repeated small nuclear explosions set off behind the country would keep it accelerating away from Earth, maintaining a rate of 9.81 m/s² so as to provide a natural-feeling gravity.
The launch would have taken place on November 5th, 2019, following a Brexit victory and a successful exit from the EU and other international organizations. A nationwide mandatory bed curfew would be declared, to minimize discomfort and injury during the actual launch, and all ports and airports would have been closed down entirely.
In one email, Mr. Johnson told Mr. Farage, “It should be fine. During the launch everybody will be in bed anyway, and then in the morning they’ll just wake up and go about their business as usual.”
According to some emails by the scientists involved in the development of these plans, “The biggest challenge is collecting large enough reserves of water to support the entire population. we have plans to build massive underground tanks and we’re working on upscaling water recycling technology”
No mention has appeared in this thread about a specific destination for the uprooted islands.
Other, more recent emails from Mr. Farage indicate these plans must be put on hold because the result was “too close” and the population would not go with it. To which Mr. Johnson defiantly replied that the people voted to leave, so the UK would leave.
Reactions were quick to emerge. Prime Minister Theresa May expressed her feelings during an interview on SkyNews: “This is an absurd and ludicrous idea. Mr. Johnson’s and Mr. Farage’s hubris will never lead to anything. I’m certain this leak is a joke anyway, it’s just too far-fetched” she said. Reporters thought her tone might have showed the slightest pout of utter derision, disdain and dismissal.
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II did not speak openly about this, but expressed her shock at this revelation, her concern at how her politicians are handling things and her amusement at the absurdity of the plan with a wry smile and a small wave. The official statement from Buckingham Palace is that “Her Majesty will not stand by a plan that involves uprooting her nation against their will.”
Mr. Johnson has, uncharacteristically, refused to comment in person, choosing instead to tweet: “So our plan to Brexit Earth was leaked. It’s a good idea, and going to happen. We don’t want Commonwealth ninnies or EU crybabies anyway. EU can get stuffed, and the rest with it. Long live an independent Britannia!”
Mr. Farage has chosen a different tactic, choosing instead to deny everything on the spot. “I would never have been party to such a ridiculous plan. I thought I’d made that clear when we turned back on funding the NHS.” and wouldn’t comment on the fact that he himself was involved in the leaked email thread.
In the countries
Northern Ireland, London, Scotland and Wales have all refused to go along. Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon said in a statement, “The idea that London can drag us away from our home planet is unacceptable, and Scotland will not go down that path. We will prepare to unilaterally declare independence before this happens, even within the coming days. We need to make sure we can be entirely independent before England takes off – literally.”
Former First Minister of Northern Ireland Arlene Foster also made a statement, saying, “This is a ridiculous joke. It has to be. But if true, quick action will have to be taken to secede. We will not follow Britain down this path. A motion will need to be submitted immediately to the Ulster Parliament.”
London Mayor Sadiq Khan also took to Twitter, lashing out with angry tweets: “BoJo and Farage want to drag us off this planet. This is the most absurd, unhinged, bonkers thing I’ve ever heard. London will have absolutely no part in it. They’ve already wreaked enough havoc on the United Kingdom and on London without this.”, which he continued with, “I have already instructed the London Council to consider plans for complete secession within weeks, and injunctions for the Royal Family, Parliament and all of Whitehall to relocate immediately. I might add that the Council voted unanimously in favor of both motions.”.
Welsh First Minister Carwyn Jones was less definite on the topic of independence. “There is a special relationship between Wales and England that should not be placed in jeopardy. We should try to discuss this and avoid any consequences.” However, asked whether Wales will follow England into space, he replied, “Absolutely not. This is pure fantasy, and is never going to happen. The whole thing sounds like a metaphor anyway… Right?”
Several other local leaders, even within England, have also reacted angrily. Most have just expressed outrage at the leaked plan, but others including the mayors of Manchester, Birmingham and Liverpool have intimated that they might also choose to secede from the UK, following London’s lead. In response, Mr. Johnson took to Twitter again. “We will keep the Kingdom United, no matter what. There will be no negotiation. Neither the Countries nor even the cities who have expressed this desire will be allowed to leave us.”
Though some are relieved that this will finally, once-and-for-all tackle the issues of immigration and EU and UN regulations, they are also reportedly disappointed at the loss of cheap holiday opportunities this will entail, the loss of their ability to visit their relatives abroad and – the most serious concern, according to Twitter – Britain’s chances in the next Eurovision contest.
Our Twitter poll today revealed that though 48% of the population are still in favor of Brexit from the EU, only 2% of Britons throughout the nation agree with Johnson’s plan.
In fact, the population seemed to have taken Twitter by storm, using hashtags such as #BrexitDontFecksit, #EURulesBojoDrools and #SendBojoUpAlone to express their anger at the plan. Many even implied that the main Brexit proponents should be sent into space themselves and left there.
People are also enraged about how BoJo was making a fuss about 350m a week, but the cost of this endeavor must be astronomically (pun intended) more. Other hashtags trending today included #350mOutTheWindow and #Pay4ItYourselves.
Economic and strategic analysts have been quick to dismiss the plan as impossible and obviously a joke. They point out that, quite aside from the sheer cost and technical difficulty of achieving such a plan, it would also be completely devastating to Britain’s economy. “The country is not self-sufficient, not by a long shot. The people would starve within months.”, said one analyst. They also point out that with this approach, Britain will lose all its vital North Sea oil and gas reserves.
Others point out the issue of the crown colonies and dependencies. Several people in the Falkland Islands have already protested, saying they want to come along too, not wanting to lose the preferential treatment they enjoy or end up fair game for Argentina. Other statements from Guernsey, Gibraltar and others, however, echo the Countries’ refusal to join in.
We have tried to contact Pitcairn Island, but our special envoy there is still on his way to the remote island and only expected to arrive around Christmas of 2019.
Reactions from the Republic of Ireland were pretty unanimous, a mixture of relief at the UK finally leaving them in peace, and concern over what will happen to Northern Ireland. Irish President Michael Higgins said in a press conference, “This is ridiculous. Britain can’t expect to leave and ignore Ireland. The people here will not go with it, too many of them have close links to Britain and won’t want to give those up.”
US President Donald Trump, on the other hand, had mixed feelings. In a series of tweets early this morning, he seemed to change his mind mid way.
At first, he was very complimentary of Johnson’s plan: “Sending Britain off the planet is a great idea. Great for stopping immigration, and for taking their country back. Tremendous, tremendous idea. Better than building a wall. My best to Britain in its travels.”
Mr. Trump added, “I have instructed NASA to consider possibilities to do the same with America. They say it’s not possible. They’re weak! I say if I can build a casino, they can build rockets under America. Fund with Wall and Travel Ban money. This will truly #MakeAmericaGreatAgain!”
Then, appearing to remember he owns properties in the UK, he tweeted, “Will not lose my properties in space. Johnson must make sure all Trump properties stay on Earth. This plan is a sad, pathetic attempt to escape their inferior position. America will not go along with this! Johnson is a not funny clown!”
France’s president Emmanuel Macron joined the fray against the plan, saying in a statement, “This is ridiculous and will never happen. How can anyone hope to lift an entire country into space? And the UK depends too much on its neighbors, with or without the EU, to be able to handle such a mission.”
Also in France, far-right politician Marine Le Pen is more cautious. “Though the idea goes in the right direction toward proper independence and border control, it is not known yet what the longer-term consequences of such a plan would be. I applaud Mr. Johnson’s idea on principle, but as far as implementation is concerned, it is ridiculous and out of reach.”
Mariano Rajoy, the Spanish Prime Minister currently embattled over the situation with Catalonia, appeared to get confused and said, “If we have to implement article 155 and take direct control of the UK, we will”, before an aide reminded him that the UK is not a Spanish region.
German chancellor Angela Merkel said that this plan was “either a ridiculous joke, or a desperate attempt to escape unfortunate realities and necessities” and that “this puts the Brexit negotiations in a whole new light”
Chief Brexit negotiator on the EU side Michel Barnier said, “This latest news puts us in an unassailable negotiating position. If they are going to leave the planet anyway, we can afford to dig our toes in and hold firm. And, as according to this plan there won’t be time for the two-year transition period, this will allow for more pressure on Britain and better terms for Europe.”
European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker, on his side, claimed that, “I think this is a massive overreaction. I could understand wanting to leave the EU, but to take an entire country and lift it off the planet?”
Reactions from the Commonwealth have been mixed. In Australia and New Zealand, people largely take this as a joke, though some are genuinely concerned. “It’s not that I’m worried they’ll actually do it, but I do still have relatives there and we would need to plan to get them out before this happens.” said one Australian. Some people in Canada have expressed concern about the links with Britain, but mostly the concerns are much the same as in Australia.
On the other hand, Nigerian and Kenyan leaders took a different view, expressing concerns about the drying up of foreign direct investment and remittances from Britain. Statesmen from both countries have already said that in the light of this revelation, they have already reached out to China to build ever closer ties with her and eventually replace Britain as a contributor to their development.
The markets have reacted strongly to the release of these emails. London’s FTSE 100 index lost ten percent of its value today, and the Pound sterling fell below the dollar, closing today at $0.9753, losing over a quarter of its value in a single day. The euro has jumped by over 15%, finishing at $1.3958.
Several major banks and companies had previously stated intentions to move their European headquarters and offices from Britain to Ireland or the continent because of the result of the vote, but now most international companies have announced intentions to close down all British-based offices, factories, etc.
This backlash has also affected British companies abroad. Concern has been expressed by local managers around the world regarding whether the home companies will remain in charge or leave them alone. Even their CEOs are worried about the consequences of this development.
No doubt there will be more to this shocking revelation than has already transpired. The implications are enormous, and the possible consequences are drastic. We will publish updates here as they emerge. Or we would, if this were a true story.
We wish to stress that this is a fake, a parody, a joke. There is no such plan (that we know of), and even if there were, there are so many more technical complications that such a plan would not be, as of today, feasible at all, not by a long shot.
This. Is. A. Joke.