Coup d’Enfer

Inspiration: Writing Prompt found on Facebook:

Being the devil is an elected position. However, no one ever runs for office, because no one wants the job. Everyone just keeps writing in Mickey Mouse, but he’s starting to take the job a little too seriously.

It’s dark in here. I’m not sure what’s going on outside. My bodyguards hid me in this basement in what they say is a safe house. They had to drag me away from my desk when Goofy arrived in town. I guess officially I’m still in power, but what’s the reality out there?

Our radio in here has reported that Goofy has already taken over the palace and taken control of most of the military. The Reapers and the Vampires have already switched sides, and only the Zombies, Ghosts and Beasts are still left. But the Zombies are frankly too stupid to use in tactical operations, their strength being in massive numbers more than skill or knowledge. Ghosts make for a good recon air force, but they can’t do much themselves, concretely. As for the Beasts, sure, a lot of them have tactical importance in various areas, but they’re really just a bunch of small, ultra-specific units. The Bats make for good fighter jets, but they’re very vulnerable. The Bugs have good skills for tunneling and burrowing and infiltrating, but short of sending massive amounts of them, they can’t achieve such good results on a macroscopic scale. And so on.

The sad truth is, without Reapers and Vampires, our forces are seriously diminished. Grim, the General of the Reaper army, is still with me. I’ve put him in charge of the Zombies, hoping against hope that he might be able to use them tactically. But he’s a sharp cookie, that might work. I’ve got Aragog here with me too. I think I’ll send him ahead with the Spider forces, using him as a decoy (protected by one battalion of Zombies and the Bat squadrons) while the others position themselves in the palace. But position themselves to do what? Once again, they’d have to act collectively and in a concerted way. They’re well trained, but they’re a new force and haven’t had any practical experience yet. And their technology isn’t quite up to scratch either. Their webs are still too fragile and too visible. It’s a massive weakness.

Wait… There is one possibility that just popped into my mind. Dragons. They’re very effective fire bombers, devastating against living troops, but can’t handle stone buildings well. Maybe combine them with… Giants, of course. A plan… I think I can come up with an effective plan with these. We should have enough.
I’m distracted for a minute by a memory of the last few days. The election, once again with no candidates available, nominated me. Reluctantly, I took the post.

Now Goofy wants it, but what kind of ruler of Hell would I be if I didn’t fight him to get it back? I don’t want it. Then there’s Minnie, and my Prime Minister Donald Duck. They are Hell-bent (quite apropos) on regaining power. But Minnie is extremely materialistic and enjoys living in that palace, and Donald is still under a ton of pressure to live up to his uncle’s expectations. Having taken him under my wing during my first term, I’ve been educating him, hopefully with the right notions of responsibility and empathy. But I’m worried his ambition might change him. He’s not ready for the top job quite yet.

“Mr. Devil, sir?”

It’s General Grim.


“Mr. Devil, sir, I really don’t think I can achieve anything with these Zombies, sir.”

No. He can’t give up hope. He has to succeed.

“General, I gave you one task, and I expect you to fulfill it. With whatever means you can think of.”

“But Mr. Devil, sir, they’re not even able to understand instructions.”

That’s what I was afraid of. I did see his point. But I had high hopes in his abilities. He’d managed to turn the Reapers into a highly-trained, highly-capable elite force. I’m confident he can work his magic on Zombies.

“General Grim, you have to…” Suddenly my mind wandered back to the Dragons.

“General Grim, I’m sorry, yes, you may be right. I have a better plan.”


“General Grim, would you please summon the three Dragon Generals at once? Oh, and General Karkus. And Aragog, Morcelagus and the Headless Horseman. I think we’ll need them too. Let’s all have a war council. I have an idea.”

Minutes later, everyone was present. The room was definitely feeling cramped, what with three dragons, an acromantula and a giant present.

“Gentlemen, I’ve had an idea which could allow us to retake the Palace quickly. I will expose it here, and you will give me your feedback on the feasibility of this plan.”

All of them nodded.

“Gentlemen, we will for this assault require all of your troops. Aragog, your Spiders will infiltrate the palace for recon purposes. Headless, your ghosts will scour the palace grounds and the city for the same purpose. Detach one battalion to help relay the Spiders’ information. Once all that is in place, we will wait for the right moment: when Goofy is in bed.

“Then, Aragog, I’ll count on one of your elite Arachnid units to go through the palace and sting and kill all the guards present. Is that OK?”

“Of course, Mr. Devil. My Arachnids are well trained.”

“Then, we’ll send in the three Dragon armies. One to clear the grounds around the palace, one to keep the Vampires distracted and the third to keep the Reapers distracted. Guys, can I count on you for that?”

The three Dragon generals nodded.

“Once the grounds are cleared, Karkus will take position in the grounds with the Giants and Grim will be in front of the gates with the Zombie army. We’ll send Goofy an ultimatum with one battalion of unarmed Bats. An ultimatum for him to surrender at once or be killed. Morcelagus, can your bats get out quick if he refuses and strikes back?”

“Of course, Mr. Devil.”

“Great. Now for contingency plans. If he refuses, Grim will send the Zombie force to flood the palace. I’m sure they’ll find him quickly enough. Karkus, your Giants and the Dragons will be prepared to swat him down if he tries to take off on that damned fool contraption of his. Are we agreed?”

A unanimous cry of “Yes, Mr. Devil, sir”.

“OK then, let’s prepare. The operation will begin tonight at 10. Dismissed.”

OK, the plan’s been exposed and agreed upon, and they’ve all left. I trust them to the end of… well, to the end of Hell. They will never let me down.

I take out the letter I keep in my coat. Putting it on the desk, I grab a quill and finish it:

“Too often have I been elected to this position against my will. I consider that I have now fulfilled my duty and taken back the post from my opponent. However, I must now retire from this position and leave you in charge. Donald, I know you have what it takes. Just be careful.
Mickey Mouse.”

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